Fierce Conversations, Part I
Copyright 2006 Tim Link
A recent conversation with a leadership coaching client
I’ll call “Bob” began with him expressing extreme
frustration with a key manager reporting to him. Bob
thought the manager wasn’t owning his role in a certain
critical issue. He believed the manager was pointing
fingers, assigning blame and creating stressful and
unproductive distractions within the senior team. Bob was
considering firing the manager, but was reluctant to start
over with someone new.
I asked Bob if he had discussed his frustration with the
manager. He danced around the question and after a couple
of different approaches on my part, he shared that perhaps
he hadn’t been as clear and direct with the manager as he
could have been. I observed that it sounded like he wanted
to have a conversation with this manager. Bob agreed that
he needed to talk with the manager but had been avoiding it
because he knew it would be difficult and he thought the
manager should be able to perform without his intervention.
The ensuing coaching conversation resulted in Bob
approaching the manager and conducting a healthy dialogue
and feedback session where the roles, expectations and
needs of both parties were expressed and clarified. They
were able to have this conversation with out tempers
getting heated or a host of other potential pitfalls.
Essentially, what I asked Bob to do was to have a fierce
conversation with his manager.
At its essence, “doing business†is essentially an extended
series of conversations, and I believe that success is
dependent upon a person’s ability to regularly engage in
productive and meaningful dialogue. Susan Scott, author of
“Fierce Conversations,” captures this concept beautifully
in her book. This one of the first books I recommend to my
coaching client’s who are looking to have more productive
conversations.
Over the next three issues of Coaching Link I will be
offering key concepts from Ms. Scott’s book, blended with
my own experience in coaching leaders. I hope these
articles give you the tools and courage to have fierce
conversations.
What Is a Fierce Conversation?
The word “fierce” is defined in the dictionary as “marked
by extreme and violent energy.†Many people assume that a
fierce conversation is one in which you confront someone
head on with what they are doing wrong, that it often
involves an accusatory or criticizing tone and that it will
lead to negativity and bruised egos.
Rarely is anyone specifically taught how to handle
conflict. We are socialized to play nice, not be rude and
not to hurt other people’s feelings. On the other hand, we
are encouraged to stand up for ourselves and not let anyone
“push us around.†We also tend to unconsciously assume that
when we have a difference of opinions, someone has to be
right and someone has to be wrong. We get lots of messages
about the ends of the spectrum but rarely are we taught how
to play nice and stand up for ourselves at the same time!
This is essentially the goal of a fierce conversation.
The word “fierce” also has the following synonyms: robust,
strong, powerful, passionate. In order to be truly
“fierce,†we need to be centered, clear about our position,
what our purpose is and what needs to be done. To have a
fierce conversation, we need to open ourselves to others’
opinions, try not to let our egos take over, and focus our
energy on coming to a new level of understanding about the
problem. We are then able to come to an understanding of
the reality of the situation, provoke learning in ourselves
and others, tackle challenges that need to be addressed and
ultimately, enrich relationships. A fierce conversation is
not between adversaries trying to prove their position is
the right one, but between colleagues looking at the issue
together, striving for a higher level of understanding.
Ground Truth
In order to address a problem, you have to accurately name
it first. Thus the first goal of a fierce conversation is
to accurately describe what Susan Scott labels “ground
truth.†Ground truth is what’s really happening in the
trenches of day to day business life. Ground truth is often
different than the official party line. Ground truth
separates gossip and speculation from the reality of the
situation.
Regardless of their official title, people who are adept at
getting to ground truth are seen as leaders. They can
accurately label the reality of a situation while cutting
through hyperbole, gossip and speculation. Because they are
able to separate fact from fiction, they make smart
decisions. They tend to be less defensive and are able to
be a calming influence in uncertain times.
You get to ground truth by interrogating reality. In the
process of interrogating reality, you closely examine all
assumptions to determine whether or not they are valid. In
Bob’s case, he didn’t realize that he assumed the manager
was trying to create tension in the team. Once he
identified that he was making an assumption, he was able to
brain storm some questions to ask the manager to test the
validity of his assumption. He was also able to approach
the conversation with a neutral, “let’s figure it out
together†tone instead of a judgmental one. This change in
perspective put the manager at ease and enabled them to
have positive discussion.
To be able to effectively interrogate reality, we have to
acknowledge that everyone has their own unique perspective
and that each perspective is valid. If we tell ourselves or
others, “they don’t know what they’re talking about
because…†we are very likely to miss important information.
There have been many times when someone who “doesn’t know
what they’re talking about†offers insights that those of
us on the inside couldn’t see. Make room at the table for
all opinions and you will not only get new information, you
will increase buy-in for the solution you identify.
Mineral Rights
A fierce conversation is more of an art than a science. It
does not have a formula or set linear process. I can’t give
you a list of questions to ask or an outcome to expect.
During the course of the conversation you will be drawn to
explore certain lines of questioning and not others. You
will go deeper and spend more time on some areas than
others. The art of having a fierce conversation comes in
knowing which questions need to be asked and which ones can
be left out of the conversation.
Susan Scott calls the method behind a fierce conversation
“Mineral Rights”. It became known as Mineral Rights after a
workshop participant made the observation, “If you’re
drilling for water, it’s better to drill a one hundred-foot
well than one hundred one foot wells.†This observation
sums up the primary criteria for deciding which questions
to ask in a fierce conversation. If the question will help
you drill deeper, ask it; if not, don’t ask it.
Interrogating reality and Mineral Rights are not mutually
exclusive, you cycle back and forth between the two, some
topics you will drill down on, and others not.
Interrogating reality is designed to clarify while Mineral
Rights is designed to take the conversation to a deeper
level. The questions asked during a Mineral Rights
conversation help interrogate reality in such a way that we
are mobilized to take potent action on tough challenges.
In my coaching session with Bob, we created a list of
questions for him to ask his manager. We specifically chose
questions that would increase their chances of a higher
level of understanding. Bob wanted to improve the
likelihood that the manager would take more responsibility
for his actions and decide to engage the team in a positive
way. Here is a sampling of the questions we came up with:
* What would you like to be doing more of?
* What is your measure of success?
* What is most frustrating to you about your current role?
* What might you be doing that is getting in the way of
your success?
* What is your understanding of what the organization
expects of you?
* Do you feel you have the tools and resources to do your
job?
* What questions do you have for me?
* How can I best support you?
Creating this list of questions shifted Bob’s perspective
and opened up the possibility that there was more going on
than he understood. This shift created more fertile ground
upon which to have a fierce conversation. Since that
initial conversation, Bob and his manager have continued
their pattern of frequent and fierce dialogue. The result
is that the manager is taking ownership of his role, is
creating less tension within the senior team, and is more
fully contributing to the success of the organization.
In our next issue, we will discuss specific actions you can
take in a fierce conversation and how you can positively
influence the outcome.
—————————————————-
Tim Link is an executive coach and management consultant
with a record of successfully guiding leaders and
organizations from small business through Fortune 50 to
increased employee productivity and satisfaction. Link
Resource Group provides customized business coaching,
consulting and leadership training programs, both large and
small. By working with Link Resource Group, executives,
managers, teams and business owners raise their level of
interpersonal and technical competency, see and surpass
obstacles, and adopt a more focused, strategic approach to
being effective. http://www.LinkResourceGroup.net
