Kick Your But’s
Most intelligent people are willing to say: “I am
responsible. I am accountable.” To say and mean this is the
first step. The second step is to add the word
“completely”. “I am completely responsible”. This is
difficult for most. When something goes wrong we tend to
say: “I am responsible but…” Our “but’s” get in the way
of assuming complete responsibility. Complete
responsibility increases your ability to accomplish goals.
Complete responsibility is power. In order to assume
complete responsibility we have to kick our “but’s”.
We express good intentions and then negate them with “but”.
Examples are:Â Â Â Â Â Â “I want to work well with that
employee, but he ‘s a jerk.”        “I want to start my
business, but my spouse won’t support it.”      “I want to
help these people, but they are unreasonable.”      “I’d
like to be more honest, but she won’t listen.”      “I’d
like to do a high quality job, but management keeps getting
in my way.”                  “I’d get this done on time,
but I have too much work to do.”
“But” is the great negator. Whatever words you say in the
first part of the sentence are erased by the word “but”.
When someone says: “I really want to make this work, but
these people won’t cooperate.” –”but” negates “really
wanting to make this work.” “Those people won’t cooperate”
is the main message. You may as well say it’s over and it’s
not going to happen. You have convinced yourself that the
reason it isn’t happening is them. You are abdicating
responsibility to them by inferring that they should change.
When we externalize reasons for something not working, we
deceive ourselves. Our deception is that it’s all them.
What impact do I have on this situation? How do I come
across to “them”? Have I considered their needs, concerns,
and desires? How might I see them and this situation
differently? When I blame others I am resistant to their
reality. What I resist will persist. Often the best way to
keep something going is to be against it.
In my example, I will become completely responsible when I
kick my “but”. I change “but” to “and” and “won’t
cooperate” to “aren’t buying into my plan at this moment”.
“I really want to make this work, and those people aren’t
buying into my plan at this moment.” Instead of condemning
them for not agreeing with me, I can be listening to their
concerns and reasons. I can become willing to hear another
perspective, and to address their concerns. I can become
willing to make adjustments based on new data I may not
have been aware of previously. Taking into consideration
their needs and concerns, I can present my plan, my
adjusted plan, or a new plan to them. Having been heard by
me, they are now more willing to listen.
To be completely responsible means that I have the ability
to respond to the people and the situation. Responding
effectively means caring, listening, and taking effective
action. In responding I see the needs and concerns of
others as valid for them. It is not an issue whether or not
I agree with their needs and concerns. It is not an issue
whether or not I think they should have those needs and
concerns. I cannot influence others from a place of
disconnection. I must connect with them by hearing them,
caring about them, and understanding them. I may or may not
be able to give them what they want. Giving people what
they want is always secondary. Giving them what they need
is primary. People need to be heard, to be respected, to be
treated as important, and to be given honest, straight
forward information.
Anger and frustration with the other people is a sign that
I am not taking full responsibility. I am sitting on my
“but”. I am blaming them for my inability to move forward.
As long as I am sitting on my “but”, I have only two
options: 1. Continue to struggle and make little or no
progress.  2. Use force to get what I want (This may
include punitive action, threat, intimidation,
manipulation, or violence.)
Force always creates counterforce. There will be
consequences. You may feel victorious if others are doing
what you think is the right thing to do. The real victory
is when they are doing the right thing because they choose
to do it. This is influence. This is leadership. This is
power through complete responsibility.
The principle of complete responsibility also works in
dealing with situations. Example: “We have a great service
to offer, but a slow economy is costing us sales.” Instead
of limiting ourselves by blaming our decrease in sales on
the economy, why not think in terms of possibilities. Why
don’t we get off our “but” and look for new, previously not
thought of ways to offer our services?
Kicking our “but” causes us to be more thoughtful, more
creative, and more powerful. To say and mean, regardless of
the situation, “I am completely responsible” makes us
possibility thinkers. Imagine a high level management
meeting where leaders are eagerly assuming responsibility.
Problems are noted, and leaders are motivated to respond,
motivated to acknowledge their part in creating or
perpetuating the problem. There are no “but’s”. There are
no excuses. There is no finger pointing. People are eager
to help each other succeed.
You may read my imagined leadership team and say: “Yeah,
right. I’d love to work in a place like that, but…”  If
you are thinking that way, somebody (preferably yourself)
needs to kick your “but”. Wherever we work, live or play,
we are the creators of whatever is happening right now.
Isn’t it time that those of us who call ourselves leaders
got off our “but’s” and started leading? The joy of true
success comes to those of us who are interested in leading
a completely responsible life, and who can envision
possible futures. The joy of true success comes to
individuals and organizations who are willing to kick their
“but’s” and find the greatness that lies within them.
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William Frank Diedrich is a speaker, executive coach, and
the author of Beyond Blaming: Unleashing Power and Passion
in People and Organizations. William offers keynotes and
workshops on leadership and moving beyond blaming. William
has developed the Leaders’ Edge, an online leadership
class. Learn more about William at http://noblaming.com
